I am just now realizing... that I really need to use one of these....
Dreaming in the sunlight
And dancing with te moon
My vision is twisted
And my feelings gone
Can I be "somebody's somebody"
Or am I condemned to this solidarity
Forever....
I realize that I am surrounded by people, and that it makes no sense to feel this way. But honestly... how long do I have to wait? How long do I have to be alone? I have so many friends, and they all have their LOVES but where is mine? Where is my lover? My one and only? My fucking other half? When will I be complete? That is all I want to know. I think I am at a point in my life where HEY... I don't have a "companion" and I feel so GOD DAMNED INCOMPLETE, and I don't want to go back to the way that I used to live. But it's looking soo good right now. You have no clue! So gone from reality that I don't feel any pain. And I realize that most people who think of me think..."Oh well he has a pretty PERFECT LIFE". But personally my life as I see it FUCKING sucks right now. I thought that if I CAME OUT then all of this confusion and pain would end. But NO!
I still have to hide the fact that I am gay from soo many people. So pretty much I'm still living a DAMN LIE! No matter what I fucking do, and mo matter what I say. I swear only 1 of my parents truly accepts me for who I really am. My dad, I realize that he doesn't and will never CONDONE homosexuality; but like he said "You're my son, and I will always love you..." But with my mom... I swear it seems like I can't be my true self. I can't talk about gay topics, I can't... ERRRR!!! AHHHH!!! I can't fucking do a damn thing. I can't keep living this way. I have to be true to myself, and if I lose friends or family members(God forbid!) in the process then they were never really there in the first place. Why should someone change their mind, because you tell them you're gay?! It just seems like "Oh I loved you when you were 'straight' (which I NEVER was) but now that you are GAY? (like it's a fucking disease, that's contagious) I can't..." Why the fuck can't you? Tell me, how am I a different person just by having a different opinion on dating/TRULY LOVING someone who loves me in return? And please tell me, why you would never speak to me again? Or why you would never associated with me in any way? Is is because you are ashamed of me? Or is it because you are afraid of something you don't understand?
Just let me quote RENT (one of the most honest musicals of all time): "Let he among us without sin be the first to condemn." Please tell me! Are you truly without sin? Because if you are... you must be GOD... and if you are God then please strike me down right here, because this whole human race is pretty FUCKED! There are a few of us trying to do our best in this world. We are all from different backgrounds, races, religions, orientations, sexes... But we can't be found because we're soo afraid to let anyone know the TRUTH, we've found that the world would kill us and bury it with us. This truth that can be found in the eyes of children all over the world. This truth that is spoken in many different languages. This truth... this one and only truth that condemns soo many... and yet sets soo many free, can not be silenced. It can only be killed with hatred and not understanding. So I am asking that you try to understand where others are coming from. Where have they been, what have they seen, and what can they teach you? But more importantly, what can you learn from each other?
Current Mood: 
contemplative 
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zahkery05's journal
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